Thursday, September 13, 2012

Biscuit Pizza Crust

I don't consider myself a very competitive person. I could care less about coming in last place in a race or disgracing my team in a game of ball. I don't give a toot about winning.

There is one exception for this rule: Lord of the Rings Risk.

Oh my. Did I just say that out loud? Yeah, we play Lord of the Rings Risk. It's not like we turn on the extended Return of the King with commentary while we play or anything.... cause that would be really nerdy.... right?

Okay, okay! Who am I kidding? We invented nerdy.

Seriously though, I get waaaay too into that game. I'm all like, "Piggie, get your battalions of cave trolls away from my border or I will attack you. OH. So you're gonna try to attack me? YOU KNOW I HAVE A PLUS-ONE FOR MY STRONGHOLD, YOU FOOL!"

And then a few minutes later I'm like, "Piggie, I can't believe you did that. You know how much Minas Tirith meant to me. I'm never playing this game again. I HATE YOU!"

And Nemo and Tay are like, "Come back, it's just a game."

JUST A GAME? You think it was just a game for Hitler when he lost the war? Look how he ended up. You think it was just a game for Robert E. Lee? Stalin? How about for Sauron himself?

But you're not here to talk about our battles (I mean games). You're here for the pizza aren't you?

Well, this pizza was a real stroke of brilliance on my part, if I do say so myself. It literally only takes about 25 minutes from start to finish and everyone went pretty crazy for it. Perfect for when you're too caught up in your battle strategies (I mean... friendly pastimes) to have time to make a meal.

So yeah, it's really easy and only takes about two milliseconds to make this crust. Just remember to leave the butter in pretty big chunks. I just cut it into cubes and mix it a little with my fingers till it looks like that picture above.

Then you roll it out all nice. I just rolled the edges in to give it a good tall crust around the edge.

There's some sauce.

I got tired of putting the pepperonis on.

Just kidding. The kids just hate pepperonis so they wanted some plain cheese. If it were up to me there would be no pepperoni at all and only some fat pieces of chicken. And some barbeque sauce instead of pizza sauce. Some red onions wouldn't hurt. Maybe some bacon. Bacon is good.

But I'm doing gluten free, so forget that. Meh.

Well, since I'm not eating any, it's good opportunity to make everyone else fat by putting as much butter and parmesan as I can around the crust. If they're all fat it makes for less competition for me to be slim and fit.

GAHH. When did I get so competitive??? 

Okay, now I'm feeling contrite about the butter thing, so I'll put some strips of basil on. Basil is healthy right? It is a leaf, after all. Leaves are negative calories or something so they'll cancel out the butter. That's how I roll, yo.

Anyways, I hope you have fun with this recipe. I've already made it like a kadrillion times since I invented it. Yesterday Tay asked me if I would make it for lunch again.
Then he paused thoughtfully, "Wait... do you think having pizza this many times in a row is.... healthy?"

Dagnabbit! They're onto me.

Biscuit Pizza Crust

2 cups flour
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
4 tablespoons cold butter
3/4 to 1 cup buttermilk (or milk with a squirt of lemon juice)
Butter, parmesan, sauce, cheese, and toppings

Preheat the oven to 450ºF. Combine the flour, garlic, salt, seasoning, baking powder and soda. Cut the cold butter into small cubes and work into flour with your fingers, breaking it up a little bit. Add 3/4 cup buttermilk. If you're using milk with lemon juice, allow it to set on the counter for a few minutes, stirring occasionally until it thickens. Add a tablespoon more at a time until you can mix all the flour in. Don't add any more than you have to. Take the dough out of the mixing bowl and flatten it and fold it over itself a few times (this helps create biscuity layers). Roll it out to about an 11 inch circle or so. Fold in the edges to create a crust. Top with sauce, cheese, and toppings. Bake for about 15 minutes or until the crust is browned around the edges and the cheese is bubbling. Brush the edges with butter and sprinkle with parmesan. Garnish with basil.

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UPDATE: I made this the other day, half double cheese and half jalapeno and ham. Check it out.