Life Update: Pregnancy + Breast Cancer

It has taken me a long time to write this post. As you've probably figured out by now, I am not one to share a ton of my personal life on here and I often disappear for months on end.

Usually when I post after a long hiatus, at least one person will say, "Oh, we were worried about you!" 

And I always think, "Well, what could possibly have happened to me?"  

Well, this time something did happen to me, and since many of you have been following me for over a decade since I was just a teenager, I figure I should probably fill you in. 

 

First off, I didn't even get around to announcing that I was going to have my SIXTH baby. I was due on February 28th. 

 In late November, I noticed what seemed to appear overnight: a large breast lump. While I thought this was strange, I thought it must be pregnancy related, so I wasn't too worried. I thought I would just tell my OB at my next appointment in a week. 

As soon as she saw it, I could tell by the look on her face that it wasn't good. She got me scheduled for a mammogram as quickly as possible. 

The week waiting for my mammogram was almost impossible not to worry constantly. I couldn't believe that I, a 32-year-old mom who had been nursing or pregnant almost constantly for the past decade, could possibly be entertaining the idea that I had cancer. And of course all my loved ones encouraged me, "It can't be!"

But I had seen the look on my doctor's face.

Something I've learned through all this is that the fear of something is always much worse than the thing itself. The anxiety of waiting and preparing for every worst case scenario is much worse than when it actually happens, because you haven't been given the strength to do it yet. 

 

 

The day of my mammogram, I could once again see on the nurses' faces that they knew what it was. The kind lady who did all my scans hugged me through my tears and told me she would always pray for me. They scheduled me for a biopsy a few days later. 

On December 5th, I got the results of my biopsy. I had HER2+ invasive ductal carcinoma that had spread to the lymph nodes and an 8 cm tumor. In other words, I had breast cancer. 

I was 28 weeks pregnant. My young kids needed me. My oldest is only 8 years old. Samuel needed me. All I could say was, "I can't do this". 

 

 

 My surgeon called me that night and I told him, "It's already too late, I know it's already spread to my intestines. They're all in a knot." (Yes, dramatic as always...)

He comforted me, "Oh, don't worry, this kind of cancer spreads to your spine and brain, it's not in your intestines."

Immediately my back started to hurt. And it only got worse and worse. Another week of sinking into the worry, sobbing over leaving my young children in this world without a mother and leaving Samuel to raise them on his own.

Finally the next week, I had my chest and abdomen scans. They came back clear. No spread of the cancer to my spine or anywhere else that they could see. After I saw my results, I still didn't even believe it for a few hours because I thought it was too good to be true.

 

 

I had my first round of chemo on December 14th. This specific type of chemo does not cross the placenta, so it would not harm my baby girl. I would have one more round of this before being induced so that I could get the "good stuff". And by good, I mean really awful.

My cancer is hormone receptor negative and HER2+. I am sorry to say that I am an expert on all this weird terminology now, but I won't bore you with more details than to say that this type of cancer is very fast growing and aggressive. It used to be the worst type of cancer you can get until they discovered that it responds so well to a specific type of immunotherapy treatment. Because it's so effective, it's now a blessing to find out that you have HER2+ cancer.

However, the immunotherapy treatment does cross the placenta, so I had to deliver my baby before I could get it. 

With my last baby, I went a week and a half past my due date and was TERRIFIED of getting induced since I never had been before (and he did end up coming on his own, to my relief). Now I was rejoicing that I could be induced early to get this amazing treatment. My treatment team decided it would be best to schedule the induction for when I was 34 weeks pregnant after I had had two rounds of chemo. We prepared ourselves for the reality of having a preemie NICU baby.

Meanwhile, I had my first two rounds of chemotherapy. Getting the chemo infusion itself is actually not bad. The nurses are all so kind and wonderful and I just sit in a big comfy recliner and read my book and take a nap for a few hours. For this first type of chemo I got, the extreme fatigue was my worst symptom. I got a shorter haircut to prepare for the hair loss. 

 

 

And then my hair started to go. I was loosing huge handfuls constantly. There was hair everywhere... on the floor, on the kids, on our food, in the ice cube trays, you name it. It was just a mess. And the worst part is that it HURT. Your hair follicles get really inflamed as the hair falls out and the extra weight from the hair makes it so much more painful. Finally I was begging Samuel to buzz it for me. 

When he did, it was such a relief. I thought I would get a wig made with my hair, but I felt like just wearing a bandana was just more authentically me. My kids didn't mind the buzz cut. Honestly they were more offended by the cute shorter haircut I got before the buzz. I'm so blessed that Samuel and the kids all still think I'm beautiful when I can't see it in the mirror. I sure do love all of them.

 

 

On January 20th I went in for my induction. My worst complaint about that labor is that it was so boring being at the hospital for so long. Normally I am only there for a couple hours before the baby is born. Luckily there was an Office marathon on TV that day. 

Once my labor finally started for real, it was super quick. Everything went smoothly and I was able to hold my sweet, almost 6 pound girl before she was wheeled down to the NICU to get oxygen support. It was so sad that I couldn't nurse her or hold her, but I did go down and see her later that night. 

 

 

She quickly got off of her oxygen support and didn't have any major problems. She was just acting like a normal 34 week preemie who didn't know how to eat yet. She had a feeding tube and pretty much our entire time there was spent teaching her how to eat from the bottle. I had my new chemotherapy 5 days after she was born.

I'm so thankful that we are less than 15 minutes from a great hospital here in St. Louis. It really shows how God was looking out for us, because we would have had to drive over two hours to Denver for every appointment and to see our baby if this had happened when we lived in Wyoming. Despite feeling extremely crumby, I still saw her every day. We spent 4 weeks taking turns being with her throughout the day, agonizing over every milliliter she wouldn't take in the bottle. Thankfully, our hospital here has a great NICU and we had a private room for her and wonderful, kind doctors and nurses.  

 

It broke my heart every single time I left her in the NICU, but my other kids needed me too, and they had a one-time visit policy for kids during flu season. While it was one of the hardest things we ever went through being separated from our newborn, it also could have been much worse. She was healthy and honestly still seemed like she just thought she was still in the womb the entire time she was there. Just very sleepy and not very alert until the last few days.

When she finally started taking full bottles, it was very quick. One day the nurse called me and said, "Do you want to take your baby home today?" 

We dropped everything and went to get her as soon as I hung up the phone. It was such a relief to finally have her with us. She was 4 weeks old when she came home. She has been the sweetest, happiest, easiest baby I have ever experienced. Once again, God was looking out for me!

Now that I was on my new chemotherapy and immunotherapy regimen, I could finally feel the tumor shrinking! In total, I had 6 rounds of this new chemo, getting an infusion every 3 weeks. The first week I was always pretty much dead to the world with nausea, fatigue, bone pain, muscle spasms, etc. but I usually had over a week of feeling more or less like my old self before the next round.

Luckily Samuel has been very available to help and has been so much stronger than I would have been if we had had to switch places. He has really been such an unwavering rock as he has juggled caring for all the kids, patiently dealing with roller coaster of emotions, and comforting me in my pain and distress. We've also had family come stay with us several times as well. Our church community has been amazing with providing meals, cleaning, and babysitting for us. And we have received so many gifts that I unfortunately have lost track and will never be able to thank all of our friends and family enough, not to mention friends of friends and people we don't even know!

After my 4th of 6 rounds of my new chemo regimen, I had some more scans. The tumor had shrunk to less than half the size and had not spread anywhere else. In fact, they couldn't even see anything on the lymph nodes any more either. This great news gave me the energy to power through the last two rounds of chemotherapy. And I sure needed it because the last two rounds were the worst. I barely got out of bed for the first week both times. 

But I did it! I got through all my chemotherapy. I am finally really feeling better from my final round.

 

 

So, what's next? Well, this Friday, I will be having surgery. I decided to get a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy since my genetic testing and non-existent family history didn't give me any reason to think I'm at risk for developing a new cancer again. And as far as the risk for this cancer I have now returning, I'm already doing everything I can to prevent that from happening. 

After my surgery, I'll have 4 weeks of radiation. I'll go in every weekday. It should be really quick every time. The nurse says it takes longer to find a parking spot than to get your radiation. It can have some side effects, but overall it sounds like it will be a piece of cake compared to chemo.

After that I will just continue my immunotherapy until next January. Most people don't really have many side effects for that either. I hope that's the case for me!

Then I just need to keep going in for my scans to make sure nothing returns. But so far, I am very optimistic because of how well the cancer has responded to the treatment. 

 

 

I know this sounds crazy, but I'm actually thankful that I've been given this cross. It has changed me in ways I never could have imagined. I have had to look death in the face. It's easy to just ignore sickness and sadness in this world when things are going well. Suffering opens your eyes and makes you see what really is important. It made me really realize just how much I need God. It has made me give thanks for every day I get to be here for my family. It has made me stop focusing on getting everything I can out of this short life and instead look forward to eternal life. And while I'm very thankful that it looks like I'll be blessed with hopefully many more years on this Earth and I plan on enjoying them very much, the point of life is not just to enjoy it while it lasts, but to love and serve others. I am praying that I'm given many more years on this earth to do that!